Mark Zuckerberg, himself, will announce Cockographic Targeting at a surprise event sometime in 2013. The young CEO offered to give a room full of male technology reporters and bloggers an advance demonstration of the new product, but every single one them nervously turned him down. They stared at the ground and muttered excuses before bolting for the door.
Among brand marketers, car maker BMW has been the most vocally enthusiastic about the new technology. “The BMW brand has always resonated most deeply among small-dicked men,” said Norbert Reithofer, BMW’s CEO, “With Facebook’s Cockographic Targeting, we can filter out those long-schlonged Lexus buyers and put our message where it counts.”
Privacy advocates reacted with horror to the news. “We thought Facebook learned their lesson with Beacon, but this is an affront to everything we consider important,” said Mike Jones of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, “If a man can’t post ‘I loooove you so much, Sweeeetie,’ over and over again on his girlfriend’s wall without Facebook knowing that he’s poorly endowed…well...that really ruins my life.”
Manufacturers of penis pumps and penis enlargement pills, however, are overjoyed. For years, their advertising budgets have been primarily spent on ineffective email marketing campaigns and free porn sites, but now Facebook is welcoming them with open arms. “With email declining as the primary form of communication for teenage users, we were worried about how we would reach the next generation of phallicly-disadvantaged men,” said one penis pump maker who asked not to be named. "But now this problem is solved. Cockographic Targeting is the most exciting thing to come out of Facebook since pretty much ever."
Whether or not Facebook can implement Cockographic Targeting without spurring a Beacon-esque user revolt is an open question, but Zuckerberg, for one, isn’t concerned. “Guys with big dicks love it when everyone knows about their big dicks, so it’s great news for them,” he told me. “As for the guys with small dicks…What are they gonna do? They have small dicks!”